What is your role in the family? – Sports analogy

Have you ever heard of the term “Common roles in an addicted family household”? Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse is the founding Chairperson of the National Association of Children of Alcoholics. She identifies 6 common roles in an addicted or dysfunctional family. You can read about it in detail on American Addiction Centers website, but I will summarize the concept below.

1. The Addicted – They have an addiction or other mental health issues.
2. The Enabler – They deny family problems by ignoring or minimizing the issue. They often do not realize that denial is making the situation worse.
3. The Hero (often the oldest child) – They are perfectionists and overachievers. They try to “fix” their family issues by being “perfect” and achieve their goals.
4. The Scapegoat (often the second oldest child) – They get unfairly blamed by all family members. They are acting out for a good reason but get targeted because of that. The family uses the scapegoat’s problems to distract themselves from facing the real issue (e.g., alcoholism).
5. The Mascot (often the youngest child) – They are “clowns” of the family. They try to distract family members from stress by using humor.
6. The Lost child (often the middle or the youngest child) – They are forgotten by everyone in the family. This happens because they are very quiet and do not speak up. Their needs are not met, but nobody even realizes that as each family member is busy with their own issues.

Consider analyzing the roles you took on as a child. It is also helpful to assess the roles you are still taking on right now. Oftentimes, people take on more than one role at times, depending on what is going on within the family.

The above model is, nonetheless, rather negative. So, I came up with a slightly different model, which is more positive. I believe the family is like a team. It is natural and most effective for family members to have particular roles to work well together. If you look at the family as a sports team, each member’s role is like a certain position. Here’s the list of the positive roles I came up with.

1. The Captain – Any team needs a good leader. Ideally, it is best for parents or one of the parents to take on this role. However, the family situation may require a leadership change. The oldest child may need to step up as the substitute captain. Extended family members can also take on this role. The captains need to speak up when the team is not doing well. They should point out the team’s weaknesses. They must also praise the team member’s good performances. The captains do not have to be the team’s strongest players. They must calmly analyze the situation. They must direct the team (family) in the right direction.
2. The defense – The defensive players are good at protecting the team (family) from harm. All the team members can count on them when the team gets attacked by the opponents (outsider). No matter what is happening on the field, they stay unaffected. They hold a strong sense of self. The defensive players are good at keeping their cool and do not back down easily. Some people look at their traits as a weakness or stubbornness. However, maintaining consistency within the team can be a positive thing. It gives team members a sense of relief.
3. The offense – They are the main offensive players who are good at getting points (family income). They usually have the loudest voice. They can have the courage to deal with the issues of the outside world. They are also outgoing and inspiring to others. Many sports team’s best offensive players are the team captains as well. What they have to be careful about is, though, not to attack their own team members.
4. The helper – They are also the offensive players who are good at assisting the main offenders. They have good negotiation skills or helping set up the best condition for the team. If you enjoy team sports, you know that good teams have excellent players who assist well. They are not the “star” players themselves, but they love helping others. Their role is essential, especially for the team to win.

If you are a single parent or belong to a single-parent household, it is quite challenging. Each family member has to take on multiple roles at once. Again, if you think of this as sports, you can understand that playing different positions simultaneously is very tough. Being successful while playing multiple positions is very challenging. So, it is OK to focus on one role that you are good at. You should try your best for other roles. No one has superpowers as we are all human, after all.

What do you think? You can look at the family roles as negative or positive. I believe it is up to each family to make the best of its role.