I am sure you have dealt with narcissistic people once or twice (or more) in your life. If you look around, I bet you can find at least one narcissistic person at work, in your social circle, in your neighborhood, or even in your own family. If those people have ever made you wonder, “Did I do something wrong?” you will benefit from reading this blog post because the chances are – it was not you. Narcissistic people are so good at making you think everything was your fault and nothing they ever did was bad or their fault, and you need to know how to deal with that kind of behavior.
Be ready
Most importantly, it is necessary to be aware that narcissistic people exist in this world, so you need to be ready for them to pop up in your life suddenly. You might have heard that people in certain occupations tend to be more narcissistic than others (e.g., lawyers, doctors, politicians, CEOs, etc.). That may be true, but it is not always the case. Sometimes, most unexpected people, such as your therapist or your parent, can turn out to be a narcissist. That’s why you need to know what they often do. They do gaslight you, blame you, or passive-aggressively attack you. At the same time, they say they are always right, never apologize, or do not admit their own mistakes. If you are raised by or grow up with narcissists, it might be difficult for you to differentiate the above behaviors from normal (kinder or more civil) behaviors. So, please observe what is going on around you very carefully. It is definitely not right if you are always the one who gets blamed.
Ignore or leave
The first and the best way to deal with narcissistic people is this: do not be near them. If you start sensing some odd behaviors from your new friend, it is best to stay away from them. However, it can be challenging to disengage from the person at times, especially if you are already deep in the relationship by the time you realize the person you are dealing with is a narcissist. I still recommend you try to leave that person gradually, if possible. If you have to be with such a person for a certain period of time, minimizing the contact with them is OK. Keep minimal contact or ignore negative comments without reacting while waiting for the right time to leave if you cannot leave them immediately.
Even from the therapist’s perspective, it is hard to work with narcissistic people. First of all, they do not come to therapy most of the time because they tend to think there is nothing wrong with them. Their go-to defense mechanism is to blame or attack others. Thus, the only way they can realize something might be wrong with them is to be left alone by everyone. When they lose all of their friends or family members, they may learn something is wrong with them. If you need to leave a narcissistic person, you are actually helping that person as your departure may make them realize their negative behaviors. Thus, there is no need to feel bad for them if that is the reason stopping you from leaving the narcissist in your life.
Use the same tactics
There may be times you need to engage with narcissistic people for whatever reason. In that case, you might need to be ready to act like narcissistic people a little bit. This does not mean you have to become a narcissist, but it just means you might have to use the same tactics they are using only while dealing with them.
For example, coworker A condescendingly talked to you to make you feel bad. That means A found your weakness and attacked you. To defend against this kind of attack, you must find something you do better than A and use it next time you talk to A. If A realizes some of your ability/knowledge exceeds A’s, A will most likely stop putting you down. To do so, you should observe A and think carefully before saying something back to A. Typically, it is not good to react right away as you can get too emotional. It is more effective to make a constructive plan so that you can stay logical during the conversation. Another way is to tell A s/he was rude, too harsh, or hurt your feelings. If A accepts your opinion and apologizes, you may find A is not a narcissist.
In summary, it is actually simple to deal with narcissists. However, it may be more complicated to detect one. As I mentioned above, they are skillful in avoiding their responsibility, which makes it hard for you to figure out what they are doing. Once you realize the person you are dealing with is a narcissist, you now know what to do.
Ryoko Nagata Chernomaz, LCSW 