Codependency issue is a complicated and rather difficult one to solve. It negatively affects your life and the lives of people around you. I have worked with many individuals over the years, including people with codependency issues, and I noticed something about them. I believe the typical behavior of codependent people is “blaming others” about everything.
Their logic is simple but very pathological. It is represented by the words like these: “I didn’t do anything wrong.” “Only if he (or she) changed…my life would be better.” “I don’t need to change. He (or she) needs to change”.
Do you see? This “Everyone but me needs to change” attitude is actually causing their stuck-ness in the situation. Yet, this is tricky logic. It is not as clearly seen in the conversation as you think. Many therapists need help seeing through the real issue at first. I couldn’t recognize it when I was younger. With experience, I can figure out the core issue more easily.
Why?
As problematic as they are, I feel sympathy for codependent people. In my experience, most of those people did not have much control growing up, whether they realize it or not.
I believe there are two types of codependent people. Pattern 1 includes those who subconsciously believe they always have to follow someone’s directions. They think they must help others even if they do not want to. Some think there is no problem doing so. Still, it is not a solution to the core issue because it is never-ending. If they help one person, they must continue to help that person forever. Alternatively, they feel the need to help everyone around them constantly. So, their life is consisted of helping others, not themselves. They eventually get burned out, feel unhappy, and end up blaming others all the time. “Where are you in the picture?” is the question to ask these people. They often do not know who they are. Surprisingly, many people even have no idea what they truly want.
Pattern 2 includes those who are obsessed with controlling others. That is because they did not have control as a child, and they strongly fear losing it as an adult. This type of behavior may not look like codependency at first glance. Yet, it is codependency because they depend on other people’s behaviors or words to feel satisfied. In other words, they can’t feel happy by themselves.
The behaviors of pattern 1 & 2 very different. Still, their subconscious goal is the same: to get admiration from others. They both mistakenly think life control is about influencing others. It is about how much they can contribute to or control others. Again, it is never about themselves. Also, you may have noticed that pattern 1 & 2 people often feel attracted to each other. They tend to create codependent couple relationships. They look like a good match from the outside, but unfortunately, they are not. Most of the time, this type of couple would get into endless battles. Both parties never feel satisfied with each other.
Solution?
What people with a codependency issue need to do first is to realize they have that issue. Once they know it, it is crucial for them to step back and look at the big picture. Most people will see the fact that they are just circling in a small world. The answer actually lies outside of that world. Solving this type of problem takes a long time whether it is about yourself or others around you. Patience is the key to dealing with codependency issues.
Ryoko Nagata Chernomaz, LCSW 