Codependency issue is a complicated and rather difficult one to solve. It negatively affects your life and the lives of people around you. I have worked with many individuals over the years, including people with codependency issues, and I noticed something about them. I believe the typical behavior of codependent people is “blaming others” about everything.
Their logic is simple but very pathological. It is represented by the words like these: “I didn’t do anything wrong.” “Only if he (or she) changed…my life would be better.” “I don’t need to change. He (or she) needs to change”.
Do you see? This “Everyone but me needs to change” attitude is actually causing their stuckness in the situation. However, this is tricky logic, and it is not as clearly seen in the conversation as you think, and many therapists need help seeing through the real issue at first. I could not see it either when I was younger, but with experience, I can identify the core issue more and more.
Why?
As problematic as they are, I feel sympathy for codependent people. In my experience, most of those people did not have much control growing up, whether they realize it or not.
I believe there are two types of codependent people. Pattern 1 is those who subconsciously believe they always have to follow someone’s directions or help others even if they do not want to. Some may think there is no problem doing so. However, it is not a solution to the core issue because it is never-ending. If they help one person, they need to continue to help that person forever, and/or they need to help everyone around them constantly. So, their life is consisted of helping others, not themselves. They eventually get burned out, feel unhappy, and end up blaming others all the time. “Where are you in the picture?” is the question to ask these people, but they often do not know who they are, and surprisingly, many people even have no idea what they truly want.
Pattern 2 is those who are obsessed with controlling others. That is because they did not have control as a child, and they strongly fear losing it as an adult. This type of behavior may not look like codependency on a surface level, but it is, in a sense, because they depend on other people’s behaviors or words to feel satisfied. In other words, they cannot feel happy by themselves.
The behaviors of pattern 1 & 2 appear very different, but their subconscious goal is the same: To get admiration from others. Both of them falsely believe that having control of their lives is about how much they can contribute to or control others. Again, it is never about themselves. And, if you have noticed, pattern 1 & 2 people often get attracted to each other and create codependent couple relationships. They may look like a good match from the outside, but unfortunately, they are not. Most of the time, this type of couple would get into endless battles as both parties never feel satisfied with each other.
Solution?
What people with a codependency issue need to do first is to realize they have that issue. Once they know it, it is crucial for them to step back and look at the big picture. Most people will see they are just circling in a small world when the answer actually lies outside of that world. Solving this type of problem may take a long time whether it is about yourself or others around you . Patience is the key to dealing with codependency issues.
Ryoko Nagata Chernomaz, LCSW 